My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
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Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
is this store having a stroke wtf
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?