*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
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me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?