White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
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You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.