14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
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In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
I’m being attacked 😭
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Good Morning.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.