BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
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The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.