I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
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My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.