“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
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respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
taking June’s advice to heart
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?