[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
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Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
We like the way Dwight thinks
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.