Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
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I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Leonardo DiCaprisun
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.