Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
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Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
wish me luck lads