Birds & Planes.
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Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?