You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
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Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.