Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
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Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.