[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
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News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars