a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
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I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish