What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
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Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
Catercrombie & Fish
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.