Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
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I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?