I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
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Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
Livid.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
I think they could have phrased this better
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
man: wait
time: no
This is the best one I’ve seen
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.