*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
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My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount