11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
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*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Banderslack Clamberdorch
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.