*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
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*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
Never ghost your hitman.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
When I laugh on my period
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants