I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
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People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?