People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
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*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
ready to be harvested
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about