My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
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Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait