if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
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glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?