WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
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My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?