I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
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“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is