All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
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BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!