NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
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Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Pickled cat.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.