[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
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I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass