Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
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My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
dutch is not a serious language
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Need WebMD
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude