God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
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Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
how to market bottled water to dads
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins