I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
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teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Bootstraps
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.