me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
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I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Welcome
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
#catsoftwitter