Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
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me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
I feel this so hard
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…