Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
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“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
three things we don’t talk about
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*