Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
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Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
It’s a gift
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.