Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
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Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.