I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
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squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
pictures of spider-man
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
craving $300 all of a sudden
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them