If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
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Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.