bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
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“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.