8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
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My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.