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Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
I can never tell if a womanβs smiling at me because sheβs interested or if itβs just my hot dog costume
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm itβs delicious, try one
Howβd you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought βnow hereβs somethingβ
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
what are they serving at kfc then???
My grocery list.
1. Donβt run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
If I text you “π€π₯Ίππ€¦ββοΈππ₯π€¨πππππ€¦ββοΈππ€¦ββοΈππ€¦ββοΈπππππ€πππβ€οΈππ€¨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do likeβ¦high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
Iβve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
I want what they have