Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
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Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
no regrets
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.