[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
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Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”