Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
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The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
I had to Stop for this
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’