*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
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Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!