Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
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My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton