Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
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Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.