I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
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if a cop pulls u over play dead
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
so weird how every mom was born today
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year